Welcome toNo Shame November! This week we're diving into the pop culture we love that society tells us we shouldn't.
Dan Brown has made millions upon millions of dollars writing the same Robert Langdon book approximately five times. I can ajk sex videosset my watch by their plot beats, see their twists coming a mile away, and pretty much tell you how each one ends before I even crack the book open.
The literary crowd universally pans Brown’s books for their poor sentence structure, cheap thrills, and lack of coherent research. I can’t disagree with them on any of these critiques. Dan Brown’s books are objectively bad...and yet I love them. I love them very, very much.
And anyone who thinks that makes me dumb can kick rocks.
SEE ALSO: Podcasts were my friends when I had noneI’m fully convinced that Dan Brown writes his books using a series of Wheel of Fortune-style spinners inscribed with the names of world cities, ancient orders, and global threats. “What will ol’ Robert get up to this time?” he must ask before consulting the Wheels:
“Langdon winds up in…[Amsterdam]...for an…[all expenses paid river cruise]...but when the…[King of Genovia] turns up dead...he enlists the help of [a plucky, attractive heart surgeon] to…[save the ozone layer] from…[Galilean ethno-communists].” Bam. Instant bestseller.
I find the Dan Brown book formula soothing. When I pick a new one up, I’m never wondering what’s going to happen as much as I am thinking about which specific variation on the single thing he knows how to write awaits me in its pages. In a literary world populated with thrillers boasting twists “you’ll never see coming,” is it so awful to be comforted by the predictable?
Comfort aside, the thing I love most about Dan Brown’s books are the art and history lessons crammed between its dialogue and its story beats. Brown might make a lot of things up about international conspiracies, but his descriptions of some of the world’s most famous landmarks and art pieces are...sometimes more accurate. OK, he lies a lot. But that’s not a dealbreaker for me either.
For me, a pedant, Brown’s inaccuracy is a welcome challenge. I’ve learned more about European art trying to fact-check his books than I ever did in Art Humanities class. Because of his books, I recognized Bernini’s Ecstasy of Saint Theresa from a distance when I went to Rome and can point out the Darth Vader–shaped carving hiding on the National Cathedral. I’ve led guided tours at the Louvre from the book I bought specifically to find out which parts of The Da Vinci Codewere bullshit.
Look, Dan Brown’s books aren’t anything close to masterpieces, but what really are masterpieces anyway? Most of the literary canon’s great works are horny and weird. Sometimes I prefer my books horny, weird, and actually fun.
When the next Robert Langdon adventure comes out, I’ll be lining up midnight to buy it. I don’t care if they’re bad or that smart people think they’re silly; anyone who can’t find the joy in books where the main takeaways are “Jesus fucked” and “Ewan Mcgregor murdered the pope” needs to get laid. Dan Brown books kick ass. I’m not even close to ashamed of loving them.
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