【intimacy, desire, and eroticism?】

Citizens of this city,intimacy, desire, and eroticism? council members, public servants, and members of the press: thank you all for coming to this meeting on such short notice. I, your elected mayor, am so thrilled and excited to announce that our great city will be pivoting to video, effective immediately.

Before we begin to celebrate with a big parade, or ceremony or something in my honor, I'm sure you'd all like to know how this will affect your lives and jobs. The answer is, of course, drastically.

First, let's begin with the foundation of our great city: the children. As I've always said, the children are our future and video is also the future and so the children must all learn video. Therefore, the public school system will be completely restructured so that our children have the best opportunity to grow (through video).

Beginning with the start of the fall semester, we will replace the old standardized K-12 curriculum with a bold new video-centric curriculum optimized for looking hot as hell on Instagram. The school buses will be outfitted with Facebook live cams, the library is now a "vlog den," and gym class is now "Boomerang training." I'm also so thrilled to announce that the position formerly held by Mrs. Reese, a 40-year public servant and student council advisor who won the state’s teacher of the year award five separate times, is now held by a 22-year-old guy who was popular on Vine and "gets it."

We are destined to succeed!

Healthcare professionals, listen up! The hospital is so great. It's one of the city's biggest employers and one of our greatest assets. Ask anyone, we love the hospital and we don't want to change a thing about it! That being said, all of the doctors and nurses are fired, and instead of surgeries we are shifting focus to making videos of the sick and wounded and putting those videos onto the internet to make CASH. Before you get cynical, let's see what happens! This is a new frontier and there WILL be bumps as well as criminal medical negligence along the road, but we're all in it together!

We are so bummed to have to say goodbye to our good friends at the Fire Department, but it is with the utmost respect for the work they did that we will continue their efforts with a smaller, nimbler team: one low-paid grad student named Devlin who will make compilation vids of big fires and explosions. We truly believe that Devlin's skillset will allow us to fight fire with something even more powerful than high-pressured water: revenue.

Folks, when this scenic stretch of land was settled by a group of peaceful Greek expats in the early 1800s, they had one goal in mind: to make a better life for their families. Now, all these years later, we hope to do the exact same thing. Except by "a better life," we mean "a video" and by "for their families" we mean "for whoever."

If anyone's feeling left out, don't worry! Our citywide pivot to video won't just change the lives of citizens employed here -- the structural integrity of this city is being right-sized and optimized to fit a more modern world. In other words: the public park will be leveled so we can store a bunch of tripods in there, and all the street security cameras will be repurposed to shoot hidden-camera prank videos.

I can see that many of you have questions, and I really want to get to them, but I unfortunately have to call an early end to this meeting. I have an appointment to take a bunch of money from a big company and buy a big-ass camera with it. As you exit City Hall, you'll notice that the monument to our city's founder, Giorgos Tripoli, has been replaced with a monument for that guy who makes pancake art timelapse vids on YouTube. Glory be to the pancake man, the new face of our great metropolis (which has been renamed "Video City" to more accurately reflect our mission).

Oh, before I forget -- the city council is hereby disbanded and the twelve vacant seats will now be filled with twelve DSLR cameras pointed at ME. I'm filming a webseries -- it's insanely expensive and NOBODY watches it.

Thank you to all who filmed this!

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