【marquis de sade father of eroticism】

This morning I sang "Happy Birthday to You" to myself in the bathroom even though it isn't my birthday.

It felt wrong.

I was washing my hands,marquis de sade father of eroticism as I've done approximately 50 times over the past two days, because I've now joined the masses of paranoid people worried about contracting the new coronavirus (which results in the disease that's been officially named COVID-19). As I was lathering up, I remembered that the Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) advised people to scrub for at least 20 seconds, which is about the time it takes to sing "Happy Birthday" twice.

I decided to try the musical self-timing method and began singing "Happy Birthday to You" in my head while washing my hands. When it came time to insert the name of the person celebrating a birthday, however, I froze. Who was I supposed to be singing to?

After a few seconds of blankly staring at myself in the mirror wondering why the CDC failed to tell people whoto sing "Happy Birthday" to, I decided I had to pick a name. Any name. I naturally chose myself and started singing the song all over again. But upon hearing myself think words, "Happy birthday dear Nicole," while standing alone in a bathroom two months before my actual birthday, I cringed.

My next thought was that I should dedicate my hand washing song to someone else. "Do I sing to like, John Krasinski?" I wondered. But before I could restart the song a third time I realized that all of these setbacks had likely brought my hand washing time to more than 20 seconds, so I simply stopped washing and turned off the water.

Ultimately, I wouldn't say my first run at singing while scrubbing my hands went well. I was left feeling confused and annoyed, and decided to ask the internet who they sang to during their own hand washing parties.

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It's clear that some people feel comfortable singing to themselves or simply humming the tune without thinking of any lyrics. But for anyone like myself unable to comfortably complete either of those tasks, here's what I suggest: If you don't personally know someone celebrating a birthday while you're washing your hands, sing to a celebrity.

There are a bunch of online resources for learning celebrity birthdays, and though these people will never know you're celebrating their day in a restroom while washing your hands, at least you'll be singing with purpose. When I wash my hands before lunch today, I'll be singing "Happy Birthday" to actress and activist Connie Britton, who turns 53 today. In addition to the Friday Night Lights star, Shaquille O'Neal was born on March 6, so I may dedicate my pre-dinner hand wash to him.

If you can't find a celebrity you feel like celebrating, you can always sing to Creed Bratton, like Michael Scott did during that one episode of The Office. And if you want to be extra cautious, you can tack on a few extra seconds to your wash by adding "cha-cha-chas."

Now that I have some clearer hand washing direction, I feel fully equipped to properly kill germs. My only remaining fear is that the song "Happy Birthday" can get pretty annoying after a while. So for those who grow tired of singing it, or simply refuse to ever sing it in the first place, here are some alternative 20-second tunes you can wash to instead.

Helpful Twitter threads, like this one from @JenMonnier, list several songs with catchy 20-second choruses — from Beyoncé's "Love On Top" and Toto's "Africa" to Lizzo's "Truth Hurts."

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People are sharing a slew of other ways to pass the 20 seconds it takes to submerge your hands in soap and water, too. And if all else fails, you can always sing the pizza bagel jingle. Or, you know, just count to 20.

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Hopefully these guidelines will help make your excessive hand washing more fun. Now if only we could master the art of not touching our faces.

Related Video: Here are some ways to ease your coronavirus anxieties

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